Teh Ice Cube
by dead drifter
Summary: Akatsuki Crack. Kisame is sick and delusional. Deidara is annoying. Itachi to the rescue. Title spelled that way on PURPOSE.


**Teh Ice Cube**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. **

**A/N: I'm sick with a sinus infection or a cold or something, and so, I thought I would share some of my fever induced madness with you. Yes, there really was an ice cube that would not melt. Yes, I really laughed at it. I blame it all on my brother, who pointed out that damned ice cube to me. And yes, Teh is written that way on purpose. **

**Dedicated to Renren, my brother, Teh Ice Cube, Teh WTF and Teh Weighted Companion Cube, who all helped to inspire my insanity. **

* * *

Kisame was feeling a bit green in the gills today. His head hurt, he couldn't stand too long without feeling dizzy, his nose kept running and his eyes were sore. ("Why are my eyes sore?" "Because you've never used them before.." A/N: sorry Matrix reference :P)

So, Kisame got himself a glass of ice water, since there was nothing else to drink, as Itachi had hogged all the hot chocolate and Zetsu had used all the tea for some weird new miracle grow concoction that was supposed to increase the size of that certain part of the male body. (reference to those Extenze commercials :P)

Kisame also grabbed a roll of toilet paper for his nose, because Konan was on a Kleenex diet and had eaten it all or horded it in her room. Finally, Kisame made it back to his own bedroom and lay on his bed, taking a sip of his water and then placing it on a rickety old snack tray beside him. He also set his roll of toilet paper on the table. He settled himself in his covers, feeling suddenly very cold, and lay there, praying to Jesus that his nose would cooperate and function properly so he didn't have to breathe out of his mouth anymore.

The shark nin almost fell asleep, until suddenly, his nose tingled alarmingly and he sat bolt upright, sneezing hard. His nose began to run and he shot his arm out to rip off a bit of his toilet paper. He upset the glass of water in the process, and it fell to the carpet, water and ice everywhere. Kisame wiped his nose and tossed the used toilet paper in an old bowl of soup from earlier (the Akatsuki aren't known for their cleanliness) and quickly got to his feet, trying to sop up the water with one of Itachi's cloaks.

The white carpeting made it somehow difficult to find all the ice cubes, but he thought he'd managed, and put the ice cubes back in the glass and set it back on the table. His roll of toilet paper was only a little damp on the bottom, still useful, so he put it back on the table as well. Kisame felt light headed and crawled back into bed, planning on getting more water later. He had almost fallen asleep again when someone wandered into his room.

"Hey, play Metroid, un!" Deidara said, holding up a Wii remote with one hand and a bag of Hot Cheatos in the other. Kisame opened his eyes and glared, pulling his covers up to his chin.

"Screw off, I'm sick."

"But you should play Metroid, un! Play Metroid! Metroid, un! Uuuun!" Deidara pouted, and started munching on Hot Cheatos.

"Mumble mumble play Metroid, un!" (he's not saying mumble, he's mumbling because of the food in his mouths)

"Mmm Mmm Metroid! Un!"

"God damn it Deidara I'm not in the mood!" Kisame snapped, throwing his roll of toilet paper at the blond. Deidara ducked and continued to munch. He looked down at where the toilet paper landed, and then looked back to the sick shark on the bed.

"Mmm Mmmm why is there an ice cube on the floor? Mmm un?"

"I…had an accident…" Kisame said slowly, blushing blue. Deidara chewed and swallowed, arching an eyebrow.

"Un…"

"_Get out!"_

"_Fine_, un!"

Deidara slammed the door on the way out, and Kisame stared at the ice cube across the room, the ice cube he'd missed. He became entranced by this ice cube…because surely by now, it should have melted?

Kisame sniffed and coughed and groaned in agony from his sore, achy sick body, but he kept staring at that damned ice cube. Ten minutes…it STILL wasn't melted…it was defying the laws of science and nature…it was MOCKING him…

The shark nin, who had a fever of at least 105, started to giggle despite himself, convinced that Teh Ice Cube refused to melt simply out of spite. Was it jealous? Would it seek revenge for the other ice cubes, which had melted in the glass? Kisame started to laugh, clutching his stomach in pain, rolling around on his bed, tears streaming out of just his left eye (sinus pressure is a bitch), and that is how Itachi found him.

"Kisame, why are you laughing? And why is there an ice cube and a roll of toilet paper on the floor?"

Kisame laughed even harder, pounding on the mattress.

"Ha ha…hah…Teh Ice Cube…it's killing me…"

Itachi blinked.

"Teh Ice Cube? Kisame…"

"Oh my God, I'm going to die…" Kisame gasped between bouts of laughter…"Teh Ice Cube is too much to take…"

Itachi sighed and picked up the ice cube. He glared at it, and his evil stare melted it instantly. Kisame stopped laughing, and his lip trembled. Itachi looked back to Kisame, wiping his wet hands on his cloak.

"There, is that better?"

"No…you murdered it…what did Teh Ice Cube do to you?" Kisame whined, wiping at his nose. Itachi shrugged.

"It bothered me."

"Itachi?"

"Yes, Kisame?"

"You're evil."

"…I know. Let me check your temperature, Kisame, I think you're delusional."

END!


End file.
